No news is good news...?

So, In the military they have this saying for spouses when going through deployment and worrying...

"No news, is good news."

Well, I seriously hope that's true b/c I haven't heard from my husband in almost 3 days and although that may not seem like a lot to some people it is when you're used to hearing from them at least every other day OR no more than two days. I'm getting a little worried. I'm trying not to but it's extremely hard b/c so much can happen in so little time. I'm just praying everything is okay and I hear from him soon b/c I'm literally sick to my stomach as of now.

:(

One week of NO drama, just ONE!

I just wish I could have one GOOD week of NO *My side of the family* family drama...like, just ONE! Smh...

Story.

Of.

My.

Life.


There HAS to be a test somewhere in this...and God is using my family to test me. I'm passing, but with a "C" average. I just want some peace. Is that too much to ask? A week where I don't have a completely dysfunctional family of drama and chaos. Does that happen? Can it? Will it? *sigh*

As if going through my first deployment as a FRESH newlywed, moving to one of the most expensive cities in the world over 600 miles away from everything you know and are comfortable with to chase a dream that has the probability of 1/1,000,000th of a chance of actually happening with literally a dollar and a dream, isn't enough for one person to take...


But I digress.

Sometimes you make me smile...

To my love: Whenever I hear this song I smile with great appreciation that I too, have those exact same feelings with you..

When I think of you.
You make me smile
Sometimes you make me smile,
I can feel you.
I’m missing you.

Where is my heaven?
Where can you be?
How do I get there?
Do I believe?
Where is my sunshine?
Where is your light?
I wanna see you,
So you can make me smile.

Sometimes you make me smile, I can feel you.
I’m missing you.


The most fragile part of me,
Nurses our strongest connection.
You live in my memory.
With a philosophy,
That now offers me completion.
I’m so well.
And it’s strange to be.
I’m torn by misdirection.
You’re my ambassador.
You personify my admiration.
So beautiful.
I live for you.
As you live for me.

This is such a happy ever after.
You traveled miles,
Now we’re past the finishing line.
We’re starting on time.
My music wears your name,
If they knew where to look.
They’d find it.
You showed me.
I am I,
Because you be.
Forever.
So magnificent.
The most amazing story I ever told.
So much more to be written.
Thank you.

Sometimes you make me smile, I can feel you.
I’m missing you.
My love,
Love.
Love.
Missing my love.
I know I can hear you.
I’m missing you.

I only pray my skin be as soft as yours.
My wisdom flow so fluidly from my mind.
My eyes speak so truly of my spirit,
And my laughter speak the clarity of time.
You were once the I, that’s now missing you.
You were once the baby, born.
And you had dreams of making a difference in the world.
My journey was formed.

I feel you
I hear you
I see you
I BELIEVE IN YOU!
But I cry.
I cry
My light...My light.

I need you! I love you so much baby! 

Forever yours

Rainy Days...

Oh, how I love thee...call me weird but a rainy Saturday is one of THE best days in the world...well, If you have nothing to do. Right now, I'm feeling the cool breeze of my tower and ceiling fan and I can't help but smile. What is it with me and rainy days? It's almost like a kid in a candy store how my eyes light up to wake up to the sound of the rain hitting my window pane. I actually get sad when it stops. 

Maybe it's the calming serenity it gives me. Or maybe it's the thought of being able to relax and not feeling as if I'm wasting away a good and beautiful day...who knows? I don't really care, to be honest. All I know is that I love them...and as far as today... I'm gonna sit in my bed, watch old movies, and relax. This would be absolutely perfect if there weren't one thing missing....YOU! 

*Meaning my husband, of course*

So I've come to the conclusion...

That I am going to start couponing! If you're a military spouse you know that the military isn't the most promising career (income wise) UNLESS you are pretty high in rank. So if you and your MIL man/woman have not had the pleasure to move up in rank JUST YET (b/c it will come, if you want it to) you have to find ways to do everything to maximize your income! So I've decided, once my DH(Dear Husband) comes home I am totally going to be couponing. I've already began looking up ways to start now while I'm here in Miami so that I'm at least approaching the "intermediate couponer" stage by the time we move in together in December. Wish me luck! :)

Military or not, I think it's pretty smart to do it if you think it would be helpful to you, and or, your family to save money wherever you can! I always say, spend less on this have more to save or spend on that! :) Happy Couponing! I'll keep you guys updated!

It's the military...

Funny how...

Funny how someone comes into your life and changes everything you thought you knew about life...about love...maybe even about everything! When my husband and I decided to be romantically involved it hit me that he had changed everything about what I "KNEW" I wanted for my life...everything I thought I would/would not have/do. See, he and I had been friends (PLATONIC) for almost 5 years. I had never looked at him in a romantic way until about a few months before we actually started dating so theres "funny how" #1. There was also a time when I said I would NOT date a military man. I had a friend that had dated a few of them and just from hearing the horrible things from others I had decided that that was just not something I could ever see myself being open to. Funny how #2. I also didn't see myself even thinking about marriage until I was AT LEAST 27, funny how #3. & I never thought I'd see the day that I would actually love someone as much as I do him...funny how #4...If I seriously went down the list of all the "funny hows" I would be here forever. He really has changed my life, the way I view it, and the things I say...like "NEVER will I"...& I love it...and him, of course!

It gets better...

I had a chance to speak with my husband today via Skype and I noticed something very surprising. This deployment has really grown on me. I kind of figured this would happen but I didn't think it would so soon. You may be wondering what exactly I'm talking about. Well, when I say it gets better I mean missing him, feeling down, out and depressed b/c he's gone. Of course I still miss him like crazy and can't wait until he's home again but it's not as bad as it was a month ago...what I'm really trying to say is....It gets better. The loneliness, the slight separation anxiety, and missing him...

It all gets better. 

So If you're going through a deployment (Especially first time like myself) stay encouraged, stay positive, and know that it REALLY does get better. :)

Miami

Before I leave for Miami I thought i would take a minute to express my feelings at the moment. This morning i found myself bursting into tears just because my best friend told me to stop by her job before leaving. I'm not sure what's wrong, why I'm so emotional, b/c this is what I want. I want to be the next big Tyra...so it's gonna take leaps of faith to make it. I guess I'm just worried, a little afraid, and optimistic at the same time. Here I am, leaving to go live in one of the most expensive cities in America and all I have is enough money for my first month of rent, gas money to get down there, and a dream that MILLIONS of other girls have. But in order to get things you've never gotten...you must do things that you have never done before. Okay dolls and gents...gotta go! I'm already running behind schedule. See ya at the top! :)

He makes it all better

I REALLY love my husband. He is the epitome of my dream guy. He's not perfect, and I don't expect him to be. But when it boils down to it, he is all that I could have asked God for and so much more. He really shows me why it never worked out with anyone else...cliche but it's so true! He is the love of my life, the apple of my eye, the every to my thing and I can't wait to be right next to him every second of the day when he gets home! I love me some him! :)

Respect is due to a dog.

So, I woke up this morning to check my husband's account to see if a particular allotment had come in  because there was a little mixup with it. Low and behold it had not come in, from what it had seemed to me...so I proceeded to call the My Pay customer service line to see If maybe I was looking at his acct (Both bank and My Pay) wrong b/c it did not seem to be in there. Upon speaking with a customer service rep whose name I'll keep confidential I could already tell by the tone in her voice in greeting that she would be a little problematic. You know how someone can answer a phone (in customer service) that exudes an "I don't wanna be here" tone? Well, that's how hers sounded...but I still wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt so I proceeded to ask my question as nicely as possible hoping that my spirit would overflow into hers. Well, that was a total fail b/c as she went to explain what she had to explain concerning our problem, I became a little confused with her answer... so like any normal person needing clarity or elaboration, I asked more questions. Now as I inquired more about the issue b/c in my eyes I still did not understand, she began to get upset. So she angrily states that she "CANNOT TELL ME ABOUT HIS PAY!" So by now, you can CLEARLY hear the frustration and impatience with me in her voice so I began to get bothered with her tone.

See, I'm the type of person who TRULY tries to be as polite as possible with customer service reps (EVEN when they get A LITTLE nasty at times) , b/c I've been one before...I've had people get angry with me for "just being the messenger" so I really try my best to treat them with the utmost respect whenever I can...so even when she clearly had A LITTLE attitude in her voice, I tried to be as nice as my flesh would allow. I really did. But her tone, it got a little louder and nastier by the minute so after she told me she couldn't tell me about his pay I told her that's fine but there's also a way to say that. You don't have to be nasty. So she then tells me "Goodbye, You have a nice day ma'am!" In her nicest nasty voice she could...I'm still shocked by the service I'm receiving and by her blatant nastiness couldn't say anything except "Well is there a manager I can speak with? B/c I really don't appreciate the way you're talking to me." she repeats the "You have a nice day ma'am!" In the same nice nasty voice she had before...then hangs up on me. This is the kind of stuff I don't like. If you are not feeling your job, quit. Don't take it out on the innocent customer who calls in to get answers to a question, that's in your job description! That's what you get paid for! I'm sorry you're not having a good day, but neither am I...but that's no excuse to be down right nasty and belligerent with someone who has NOTHING to do with WHY you're having that problem! I was so angry that she brought me to tears after she hung up. Here I am trying to inquire about something that is really important and you get angry with me b/c I'm calling you to do your job!?? So of course I called back, this time I got someone extremely nice who then forwarded me to chain of command so I could report her customer service, or lack thereof...

It takes a lot for me to report someone b/c personally, I just don't see the point in wasting your precious time on someone who's already clearly miserable themselves...but her behavior was indescribably horrible, to say the least! If I didn't know any better I would've thought I was a mistress and NOT the WIFE of someone serving our country! Either way, respect is due to a dog.

It never fails...

Every morning I wake up I'm thankful that I am able to see another day...but after that gratitude subsides all I can think about is how I wish you were here, next to me. To greet me. With the "Good Morning beautiful" I remember so vividly. I can't wait until that day comes...I'll appreciate it much more.

I miss you babe... <3

**Disclosure** I am not insane in the membrane

SOMETIMES, The poems I post on here are usually ones that I've written days or maybe even weeks before I post them. I don't post my emotions as I'm feeling them every time....so some of this stuff is directly from the notes on my iPhone...not from my heart at that moment. :)

Just thought I'd share that little FYI so I don't seem coo-coo! Haha!

No calls, no emails, once again..

Here it is... 1:43 pm my time and 7:43 pm yours and I have yet to receive any form of communication from you. I'm just stuck, heart feeling full of lead, with nothing to do. Why do I do this to myself every time? I sit, I wait, then finally I open up this notebook and vent away, trying to find a nice catchy line. yeah, I know you say you're busy but sometimes I think it's quite the lie. You have time to go out for drinks and have lots of fun with your shipmates without so much as  a "hey" or "goodbye". Now I see why It's so important for me to "psych" myself out. Im not the kinda girl that sits by the phone...wishing...hoping...praying that you would put an end to this communication drought. I'm tired of waiting and my patience has ran way past thin...so I'm done waiting (for calls or emails). & this thing of me doing so, has finally come to an end.

Sometimes I Cry...

So, here it is 2:30 p.m. in the day and I am crying. If I didn't know any better I'd think I were pregnant. The way my emotions have taken over my body, since this deployment began. It just sucks! Although I get to email Mi Amor almost everyday while he's away, I still can't help but hope for more. He's able to email but it never seems like enough. Enough time to talk, to laugh, to pray. Over email that is... I guess I'm just in shock because I can't help but remember how much we'd text if he were home. How much I miss and appreciate that so much more now that I no longer have it. I just miss him...so much. Sometimes so much that I literally wish there was a way for me to be frozen in time until he returns. I've never had to miss someone this much, I never have experienced this kind of heartache. I mean, of course I've had heartaches...but never this much. Where it hurts so bad JUST because you miss someone. Wishing you could be next to them...even if it's for a minute. It just sucks...but then I remind myself of how I have never felt this feeling, and how wonderful it is, to have someone...to miss.

Honest for one second

They tell you, "Keep your business between the two of you"..."just be strong" but who the heck do you talk to when he hasn't even been deployed a month and everything seems to be going wrong?! You've just been told by the mechanic that the car's a mess. You've got no money to afford the work it needs and double the stress! It's no longer "OUR" problem because that "WE" just turned to "ME" because I haven't spoken to him for weeks. These are the things people warn you about before becoming a military spouse. You've gotta put up with a lot of lonely days and nights...and God forbid you have to go home to a big lonely house! So I can't express my complete feelings to my friends, I don't have a therapist, and the last time I checked there was no "Call your sailor because you're losing it" list. So I've gotta suck it up, and hold my head up high...& the next time I actually speak to him, put on my superwoman cape to tell the "It'll all be fine" white lie. B/c that's what I signed up for, right? The long distance, lonely nights, and finding supportive emails to write. If I could be honest for just one second I'd say this ish sucks! I'm writing a poem with tears forming in my eyes so much that I can't even see. & who knows the next time i'll speak to my husband, because he's a sailor and is "out to sea". So with a headache, teary eyes, and a broken heart...this is the only way to actually get a head start. I gotta vent somewhere, and If I can't with my husband or my best friend...all I have is me and my notepad. Well, until I feel this way again...

Our 1st deployment...1 Month progression.

On August 12th it will have been exactly ONE month of our very first deployment. Although it seems as though it has been one year, I can't help but stay positive in all of this and daydream of the day when I can see him again. I've seriously tried everything in my power to stay busy so that I can free myself from the negative thoughts of my brain. Is he okay? What If he gets injured? What If...this or that? It's hard for us...military spouses. We are somehow expected to go on about our days as if the other half of who we are isn't missing from our lives. As if our husbands or wives are still able to greet us after a long day of work with a hug or a kiss. 

But what can you do? When you marry him...you marry them(the military). So the best thing we can all do, is what we've always done...Deal.